The Akatsuki Go to Walmart!
by Kakashi Attacke
Summary: What will happen when the Akatsuki go to walmart? Will Tobi get his way? Will Deidara come out of the emo corner? WHAT WILL HAPPEN? Read to find out! Crack fic, absolutely hilarious and random. Srsly, I was laughing while writing it. :P Rated T for language and Hidan. Oneshot.


**Hello! I'm here with a wonderfully random comedic story! ^W^ Be warned, this is a crack fic. But it's hilarious as fuck. TRUST me, I was laughing as I wrote it. XD**

**Enjoy!**

**Hidan: apprentice_no_1, also known as Kakashi Attacke, does NOT FUCKING OWN NARUTO! SO DON'T FUCKING SUE HER! FUCKING OK!?**

**App: Thank you!**

**Hidan: Also, this FanFiction is rated for language, and yours truly. Thank you.**

* * *

One day, the Akatsuki got tired of staying home all the time, and went shopping at Walmart. So they all piled into Pain's Akatsuki mobile, which was a black SUV, with Akatsuki clouds and things that looked like piercings on it.

All of the Akatsuki piled into the car, Pain and Konan in the front, Itachi and Kisame in the back, with Tobi in between them. And finally, Hidan, Kakuzu, Sasori, and Deidara in the very back. The Akatsuki mobile was large enough to fit everyone without them being squished together. Well, almost all of them. Zetsu took his own car.

And...maybe the very back was a little squished.

Sasori was nervous. "Isn't it a little dangerous to not have seatbelts back here? What if we have a wreck? The Akatsuki's legacy would end." The redhead stated, warning the other cocky members.

Deidara smirked. "Oh, Sasori no Danna, you're such an old geezer, un. Lighten up! Besides, if we do crash, we'll all die artistically." The blond bomber teased, knowing he'd piss off his partner.

"Yeah, fucking lighten up. It's not like every time you go on the road, you die. Jashin, you ARE getting old." Hidan said, smirking, knowing he's helping Deidara tease the redhead.

Sasori could have sworn he felt a vein pop. "I'm only thirty-five years old. That's not that old. And besides." The redhead smirked mischievously. "I have the most fangirls."

Deidara, Hidan, and Pain immediately turned to the puppet master. "You did NOT just go there." The leader of the group seethed.

Konan sighed. "You don't know what you just started."

"I'm the one with the most fangirls, un!" Hissed Deidara, and everyone began bickering. "FUCK NO! EVERYONE LOVES ME!" Hidan shouted, angered.

"You are all mistaken. I clearly have the most fangirls." Itachi stated, calm as ever, not even turning his gaze. "I'm the one with the most fangirls." Sasori stated, repeating himself.

"...I don't have fangirls..." Kisame stated, saddened. "...Me neither..." Kakuzu said in reply.

"No, obviously I, the leader of the Akatsuki, have the most fangirls." Said Pain. Tobi was confused. "What's a fangirl?"

Deidara sighed, knowing he'd be the one to explain it. "Tobi, a fangirl is a person who has a crush on you when they watch the anime. You have fangirls that you don't even know about, un."

Tobi cocked his head. "So...if senpai has fangirls...does he also have fanboys?" Deidara reddened.

"H...how should I know, un? I'm not gay. Despite what everyone thinks." You could almost see a smirk appear underneath the masked kid's mask. "...What about Sasori-san?" Deidara reddened more.

Out of anger.

*FALCOON PAUUUUNCH!* *POW!*

"OWIE!"

"SELF DAMN IT! Deidara! Be careful with my baby, you scratched the radio..." Pain yelled, slightly angered, and started rubbing his dash.

"Whatever, un. I'm satisfied." The blond stated, smirking as Tobi sat back up in his seat. "Th...that hurt, senpai."

"That's what you get for not wearing your seatbelt." Sasori warned, also satisfied.

Pain stopped the car, and took off his seatbelt. "We're here."

...

Everyone piled out of the car, and met Zetsu at the entrance. "Ah, there you all are, I was wondering **when you'd get here. You took too long.**"

"ZETSU-SAAAAN~! Senpai falcon-punched Tobi!" The masked shinobi cried, glomping Zetsu. "Deidara. You did what?"

"I simply punched him, and the background stuff just randomly appeared, un." Deidara explained, earning a chuckle from Zetsu's dark side.

"Alright everybody, stick with your partners and do whatever, you're all allowed one item that costs up to six dollars each."

Everyone nodded, and entered the store. "Hello! Welcome to Walmart." The greeter, well, greeted. "Fucking yo!" Hidan childishly yelled, receiving a few strange looks.

"What?" Kakuzu shook his head. "We're out in public. You don't just shout profanities out in public."

Hidan glared at his partner. "That's preposterous, you should always be able to cuss. Cussing is the way of Jashin!" Kakuzu facepalmed, and dismissed his partner.

"Meet back up at those donuts in thirty minutes." Pain said, and everyone went separate ways.

...

Deidara and Sasori decided to go to the art isle, browsing the various cheap items. "Look at this clay, un! It's not even moist. Like it was man-made or something!" The blond artist exclaimed, looking over the clay.

"Welcome to the world of business. Make cheap stuff, sell it for more." The redhead explained, matter-of-factly, while looking over some paints.

"You know, I probably wouldn't even be able to turn it into art, un. Just because of its cheapness."

"No, you wouldn't. Not because of its cheapness, but because you don't understand the real meaning of art." Sasori stated, earning a glare from the blond.

"Art is fleeing." Deidara stated, turning to the redhead. "No, eternal." Sasori said in reply.

"Fleeting, un!"

"Eternal!"

"Fleeting!"

"Eternal!"

"FLEETING! *throws pot that crashes*"

"ETERNAL! *fixes pot with chakra strings*"

"...ETERNAL, UN!"

"FLEETI-OH GOD DAMN IT!"

*FALCOON PAUUUUUUUNCH!* *POW!*

"Oww...my face." Deidara pouted, standing back up. "Your face, my ass, brat. Now come on, thirty minutes is almost up."

"Ok, un..." The blond whined, rubbing his face, as the duo walked back to the entrance.

**_Meanwhile._**

"Hey, Kakuzu. Let's buy some of this clearance candy from last Halloween." Hidan stated, gesturing to the rack of candy laying out.

"75% Percent off? Hells yeah. Get yourself some." The silver haired man nodded, picking some candy blood. "Ooo! I wonder if this tastes like real blood? That reminds me of Halloween...good times..."

_Flashback_

_"TRICK OR FUCKING TREAT!?" The silver haired man shouted, jumping out of a random bush. "EEEEK!" The little kids screamed, running away as fast as they could._

_"HAHAHAHAHA! JASHIN, I LOVE HALLOWEEN!"_

_End of flashback_

"Hey, Hidan...hellooo?" Kakuzu called, snapping his fingers in an attempt to bring Hidan back to reality, eventually, it worked. "Oh, hey. I was just having a flashback."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "Ok, time's about up, we should meet back up with the others."

**_Meanwhile...again._**

"Zetsu, Tobi want's this!" Tobi cried, holding up a rainbow pony pillow pet. Zetsu raised an eyebrow, and read the tag. "Twenty dollars...it's **too expensive, Pain said up to six dollars, sorry kid.**" Zetsu said, attempting to pull the toy away from the masked kid.

"But Zetsu! PLEASE! DON'T TAKE THE RAINBOW PONY AWAY FROM TOBI!" The masked shinobi cried, tears welling up in his barely visible eye. Zetsu sighed.

"Just keep it with you, maybe Pain'll let you.** What? Just like that? Wow. You're going soft. **No, it's not that I'm going soft, I'm just not in the mood to tolerate his crying." Zetsu said, arguing with himself.

"Well, anyway, come on. We got everything we needed." The plant man said, starting towards the meeting place.

"Ok!" Tobi cried, following Zetsu.

_**Another meanwhile.**_

"Kisame, hurry. I need to pick up conditioner." Itachi stated plainly, turning to his partner who was picking up fish flakes.

"Ok, ok...I'm just picking up some snacks." Kisame explained, picking a medium jar of pet food, and following his partner to the shampoo isle.

"So...which one?" The shark man asked, browsing through the large selection of conditioners. "...Hn." Itachi grunted, picking the most expensive one under six dollars.

"Why do you need that stuff anyway...doesn't it smell like a girl?" Kisame asked, the fool. "Hnnn...!" The raven haired man grunted, glaring at his partner.

The blue-ish man threw his hands up in defense. "Ok, ok, you're right. Now let's go, everyone is probably waiting for us."

**_The meanwhile's are almost over._**

"So what should we eat tonight? Maybe a pizza...?" Pain asked, browsing the frozen pizza isle. "Yeah, lets get a few." Konan replied, opening the freezer door, and pulling out five pizzas, all of different flavors.

"Thank's babe." The pierced man stated, taking the pizzas out of her arms, when another woman, about Konan's age, wearing a particularly skimpy oufit...and having large tits, passed by, and he obtained a visible nosebleed.

Konan glared at her partner. "What's with the nosebleed? And who are you stari-" Then she realized.

*FALCOON PAUUUUNCH!* *POW!*

"OOOWW! I'm sorry!" Pain pouted, standing back up, and rubbing his cheek. "I'll never look at another female again..." He promised, hanging his head down.

"...Alright, as long as you're sorry." The bluenette said, forgiving the slightly pervy man. "Thank you Ko-ko. Now, lets meet up with the others."

...

Everyone, conveniently, met up at the exact same time. "So," Pain began. "What did everyone get?"

Kisame held out his fish flakes, Itachi conditioner, Hidan candy blood, Kakuzu licorice, Deidara cheap clay, Sasori some paints, Zetsu plant food, and Tobi...

"Too expensive." Kakuzu immediately stated, seeing what the masked kid picked. "Tobi, Kakuzu's right, I said anything under six-"

"BUT TOBI WANTS THE RAINBOW PONY! WAAAAAHHHHH!" Tobi started crying, annoying everyone. "WAAAAAAAAHHHH! WAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Hidan shouted, losing his temper, but Tobi didn't seem to notice. "Stop crying!" Pain commanded, swiping the toy out of his grasp.

Tobi froze. "...**Give Tobi the rainbow pony. Or else...**" Pain rose an eyebrow. "Or else what?"

"**MANGEKYOU SHARINGAN!**"

"Eep!"

"**Buy Tobi the rainbow pony.**"

"Ok, ok, Kakuzu, just get over it." Zetsu stated, bringing the kid to the cash register. "Nuu...I don't wanna spend money...TT^TT"

"YAY! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" The hyper boy shouted, as if nothing ever happened.

Deidara approached the unconscious leader, lifting him from the ground. "Wait, Deidara! You can't carry him, you're too feminine!" Deidara turned around, about ready to punch whoever just said that, and to his surprise, it was Itachi.

"What the fuck, Uchiha, un?" Itachi was smirking mischievously. "What? I'm only worried, you might chip a nail~!"

*FALCOON PAUUUUUUUNCH!* *POW!*

"YOU FUCKING UCHIHA, UN! I HATE YOU!"

"Oww...Kisame dared me..." Itachi said from on the ground, pointing at Kisame, causing Deidara to immediately glare at him.

"Hey mommy? Why is that lady hitting that old guy?" A random kid said, further angering the blond artist. "Shh...don't get involved with those freaks."

"...Tsk, freaks, un..." He repeated, looking down at his hands, suddenly feeling emotional. "...I'm no freak, yeah...I was born with weird hand-mouths." He stated, and walked up to a random corner, sitting down in it. In other words, emo cornering.

"...I'm not a freak...right lefty, un?"

Hidan stared at the blond, squinting. "...Wow, never thought I'd see that. Ah well...might as well add on to his misery...HEY FREA-" Deidara immediately turned his head at Hidan, sending the most wretched death glare you'd ever even be able to imagine. If you looked closely enough, you'd be able to see your death in his eyes.

In fact, Hidan saw exactly that. His death.

"**What...?**" Hidan immediately shrank back. "Nothing! Don't mind me."

"**...That's what I thought.**" The blond seethed, refusing to move out of his corner of emo.

Pain returned, having regained consciousness and bought all the stuff. "Ok everyone! To the Akatsuki mobile! Teeheehee~!" Pain shouted, receiving many strange looks as he ran out of the store.

"I think that's the effects of Tobi's sharingan." Kakuzu stated plainly as he went to help everyone pull Deidara out of the emo corner.

"Come on, brat. Will you do it for a Scooby Snack?" Sasori inquired, holding up a packet of dog snacks. Deidara turned and sent that same glare. "**...Fuck no.**"

Sasori stepped back. "...I'm going to be killed by a pink haired kunoichi and my grandmother...huh."

"Let me have a fucking try. Hey blondie! Come the fuck out, I have fucking candy blood." Hidan persuaded, receiving that glare.

Hidan sighed. "You already showed me my death, now come out Jashin damn it."

Kakuzu tried. "...Come out." *GLARE* "Fine, stay in there."

And Zetsu. "Mah boi! If you stay in there forever, you'll never see explosions again!" Deidara glared. "**Like hell I care.**" Zetsu raised an eyebrow. "**Wow, so emo. You might even beat Sasuke at emo-ness.**"

"SENPAI! When you decide to come out, you and Tobi can play with my new toy!" Deidara glared at him, causing the kid to fall on his butt. "**I will die in this corner.**"

Finally, Kisame tried. "Dei, come on. We're eating pizza tonight, don't you want pizza?" Deidara glared at him, but softened slightly. "**...Pizza, un...fine.**"

"That's mah boi. Come on, let's go to pizza." Kisame exclaimed, lifting Deidara on his shoulders. "**If you don't put me down...un.**"

...

And so, everyone piled into the Akatsuki mobile, and drove home.

Tobi got his way, and everyone ate pizza. And Deidara found an ability greater than that of Itachi's sharingan: His glare.

The end!

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**And there we go! How was it? You better review. Or my friend here might get you.**

**Deidara: Yeah. *ultimate glare***

**App: Thank you all for reading this amazing crack-fic! Until next time, CYA!**

**Deidara: *is still glaring at you* ...Un.**

**App: Ah yes, also, the Hidan "TRICK OR FUCKING TREAT!?" joke was adopted from jojo31110. Awesome writer, you should check her out.**

**Deidara: Un, check her out. *GLAAAARREEE***


End file.
